Beware the Jabberwock, my son!
The jaws that bite, the claws that catch!
(If you take a picture of a cat right when it’s yawning, the results are amusing.)
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Spotted yesterday further down my road. Day 1 of Lockdown, and ‘wildlife’ is already returning to Sheffield…
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Some laughs for you all.
I ate a clock yesterday, it was very time-consuming.
Did you hear about the semi-colon that broke the law? He was given two consecutive sentences.
Man: “I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months.”
Friend: “Why not?”
Man: “I don’t like to interrupt her.”
As I performed a simple medical procedure on my patient, I warned her, “After this, you can’t have sex for at least three days.”
“Did you hear that?” she asked her husband. “No sex for three days.”
“I heard,” he said. “But she was speaking to you.”
Want some more?
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Like us, you seem to have pussies galore. 
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I happened to hear Petula Clark singing “Downtown” and I had to smile because it is so inappropriate.
“When you’re alone and life is making you lonely
You can always go - downtown.”
There must be plenty of songs that are even more inappropriate.
Sue
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On Facebook this morning:
‘After years of wanting to thoroughly clean my house but lacking the time, this week I discover that wasn’t the reason’
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This was posted 3 days ago in response of the COVID-19 pandemic allover the world. Hope it brightens your day as much as did mine. (Not in Welsh, but anyway).
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Some More. Have a laugh.
Ed: The same bike tries to run me down every day.
Fred: Sounds like a vicious cycle.
Q: What do you get when you cross a vampire with a snowman?
A: Frostbite!
Q: Did you hear about the two peanuts walking through town?
A: One was a salted!
A set of golf clubs walks into a bar. “What’ll you have”? “Nothing for me, I’m the driver.”
I used to work for an origami company until it folded.
You can see the strangest things if you look hard enough. The other day I saw a piece of toast in a cage at the zoo. It was bread in captivity.
More soon.
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What do you call vicars who host TV quiz shows without their underwear on?
Knickerless Parsons
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That reminds me of a limerick.
There was a young curate of Salisbury
Whose manners were most Halisbury Scalisbury
He ran through Hampshire
Without any Pampshire
'Till the bishop compelled him to Walisbury.
For those who don’t know -
The old name for Salisbury was Sarum
The shortened form of Hampshire is Hants.
Sue
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A chicken marches into the library, walks up to the library desk, and says to the librarian “Book, book, BOOK!”
The librarian hands over three random books, and the chicken leaves the library, walks across the street, disappears down the hill.
The next day, the chicken returns. Walks up to the librarian, drops the three books on her desk, and says, “Book, Book, BOOK, BOOK!” The librarian this time hands over four random books and watches the chicken take them away under it’s wing.
The next day, the chicken returns a third time. Drops the four borrowed books on the desk, and says, “Book, Book, Book, Book BOOK!!”
The librarian hands over five random books, then once the chicken is out the door, the librarian follows — across the street, and down the hill to a small pond.
On a flat rock on the edge of the pond sits the largest frog the librarian has ever seen. The chicken walks up to the frog, drops the book on the pond’s edge, and says, “Book, Book, Book, Book, BOOK!”
The frog quickly riffles through the five books with it’s front leg, sits back and says, “Read it, read it, read it, read it, READ IT…”
A man walks in to a library, walks up to the librarian and says, “I’ll have a double cheeseburger and large fries, please.”
The librarian responds, “Sir, you do understand that you’re in a library, right?”
The man says, “Oh, sorry. [in a quiet whisper] I’ll have a double cheeseburger and large fries, please.”
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I haven’t spammed this thread enough, so here’s a cute little puppy dog emulating its owner. It’s so tiny, and adorable… I need one…
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I enjoy posting cute and funny things too much. This thread is like an addiction, someone stop me before I majorly spam it!
Whoops, too late. Here’s some goofy-looking cats.
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Some More One Liner Jokes To Cheer You Up.
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So she gets a divorce.
The future, the present and the past walked into a bar. Things got a little tense.
A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road.
“Doctor, there’s a patient on line 1 that says he’s invisible.”
“Well, tell him I can’t see him right now.”
My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. He was right—I feel ten years older already.
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children” and I thought, “That sounds like a fair trade”.
Money talks …but all mine ever says is good-bye.
I was going to look for my missing watch, but I could never find the time.
Smoking will kill you… Bacon will kill you… But, smoking bacon will cure it.
My girlfriend is always stealing my t-shirts and sweaters… But if I take one of her dresses, suddenly “we need to talk”.
I love the way the Earth rotates. It literally makes my day.
I stayed up all night wondering where the sun went, then it dawned on me.
That’s enough for now. More later.
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Hello all, hope you enjoy this:
Also, here’s a warning - if you get an email from the Department of Health saying not to eat tinned pork because it contains Covid-19, ignore it. It’s spam.
[I’ll get my coat…]
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