Hello from a new person

Lari, I completely agree! I have found that focusing on learning a language helps me with some of the anxiety symptoms I experience - maybe by diverting my attention and activating my curiosity. Curiosity is an antidote to anxiety, and it certainly works for me. Also, being active on this forum for a couple days now is such a big step for me in my current state of health. I was so surprised to see in your post that you have the same condition, too! It made me feel less isolated… and I have been very isolated recently. Thanks for your words of encouragement! I wish you the best in your learning journey and with managing the CPTSD too! Oh, and remember to cheer yourself on for every little victory! I am goofy about it all alone here with my cat, fist in the air, laughing out loud, and celebrating the wonder that comes from realizing you can speak another language! :fist::love_you_gesture::clap::metal::v::partying_face:

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Anything that helps me focus helps me to “fade out” the symptoms. The curiosity is an excellent description. Nothing like curiosity to direct the attention! I have wanted to learn Welsh for decades and sporadically failed but say something in Welsh is different. Good different!

I am breaking out of isolation a bit by joining an art group with people who also have mental health issues. It’s only twice a week for a couple of hours each time but my, it makes such a difference.

I know that in the course proper you can avail yourself of Skype sessions with other learners with a tutor on standby. That seems a bit nerve wracking from here but then even doing the introductory free lessons is doing good things for my confidence.

Plus there is this forum. It seems incredibly friendly and supportive. I know not everyone is Welsh or has Welsh ancestry here. But it certainly mirrors the Welsh themselves who are generous and friendly to a fault.

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That is so true! I learned about the curiosity antidote while using SuperBetter. It is an amazing tool that I use to help myself remember all the little (and big) things I can do for myself to feel better and get healthier - and as you level up you get access to new research that explains how the activities have been proven to help. I love it. I’ll post the link to the site and the TED talk the creator, Jane McGonnigal did about it. This talk and the game itself has changed - perhaps saved - my life because of the way it helps bring about post-traumatic growth.

That is a really great idea about the art group… my counselor has suggested it multiple times but I was still too shut down to even consider it. I guess I should give it another look when the centre opens again next year! I love art, and I really do need to be around people again.

The idea of speaking Welsh to people on Skype is scary to me too, which in my case is silly because I teach people English on Skype for a living! Well, I do when I can… I guess “silly” is the wrong word to use because my condition is making working harder and harder and it doesn’t feel very funny. Complications with my health, combined with changes in the lives of my most reliable students, have left me with no work at all most of the time. I am trying to build up my confidence to make a new introduction video to get my profile active again on the language learning site where I get most of my students - only I cannot seem to face trying to make a video promoting myself right now that will make them want to talk to me… it is a dilemma I need to figure out FAST.

This community does seem very welcoming and friendly, which is why I managed to start being active and posting on day one instead of lurking. I am so glad I did because everyone has been wonderful. It’s kind of cool to finish a challenge and find that someone liked something I posted while I was hard at work! :grin: Maybe getting to know all the lovely people here will help me deal with some of the other challenges I have been facing. I am friendly to a fault too so it’s nice to have kindred spirits.

https://www.superbetter.com/
TED: The game that can give you 10 extra years of life - Jane McGonnigal

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Yes, getting as good as we can be (and no-one is perfect) is all about those little decisions. About that breath of fresh air, or that shower, or that book, or that phone call to a friend. Or to learn Welsh! It takes 12 weeks for an incarcerated prisoner to lose all references to the outside world and to see themselves purely in relation to the prison regime etc.

So it’s important not to get too bogged down. To make those small but difficult decisions that are rewarding beyond their scope. Otherwise the isolation becomes habitual and we start to reference our experience by the limitations the illness would put upon us.

My biggest help has been learning to see the traumatised part of my brain as being a wound and not an enemy, and removing my belief in all the terrible things it says about me.

The former has taken me from a permanent war footing to a much more compassionate and kind space. The latter has helped release me from all kinds of insane beliefs I had about myself.

I can’t stop my traumabrain. But I can defuse what it throws at me with kindness, patience and insight. I also don:t have to believe a word it says.

It has helped me to manage the psychological hit of CPTSD. But the brain function issues remain.

You mentioned other health problems (very common in CPTSD). I myself have fibromyalgia. It’s a full life!

I’m just going to take the Skype thing the way I find it when I find it. We’ll see. I’m sure it will all turn out good in the end and if we need to chat to anyone about it, the moderators and tutors seem very understanding.

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First off, you are doing way better than you may think. We face tremendous emotional and mental storms and don’t always take time out to appreciate how damn strong we are. How our suffering has only increased our empathy rather than fed bitterness. Well done us.

I find some family difficult. The main perpetrators are long dead, but their religious beliefs linger on. Also I find my hometown hard to take. Too many memories / flasbacks of terror and too much pain.

Richard Bach wrote “rarely are members of the same family born under the same roof.” I have found a certain harsh comfort in those words over the years. I have never really found another family but I have treasured and kept some fantastic friendships over the years. It’s hard to be excluded. Very hard to be that odd one out. Especially at Christmas. I’ve spent a few of them on my own.

Are there any charities helping people at Christmas in your locality? I find the best way to heal my sadness is to find ways to help others who need help. Studies have shown time and time again that the happiest people are the most altruistic. It really helps.

Perhaps when the tears strike you can recognise the sorrow as a wound and allow the light of your love and compassion to shine upon it. To transform it into a meditation or contemplation. To allow it to become that focus of compassion.

My pain only asks one question of me.

“Hi, I’m your pain. Do you want to relate to me with resentment, anger and fear, and so bring us both together in a pact from hell? Or do you want to relate to me with compassion, love and insight and so release us both?”

I’m rather tired now. It’s very late on the Welsh border and I need to be up fairly early. But i will keep an eye out for any reply you care to make and write back ASAP. Ivll also drop you my email address via Pm if you like.

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Thanks Lari… I was so scared my last post yesterday would drive you away that I deleted it. I’m glad you were able to see it first, I wouldn’t have wanted to miss your reply.

Family is at the crux of this for me in so many ways, dealing with my adoption, with being taken in by people who decided they didn’t want me after their own child was born and after realizing I was never going to be like them. My dad actually admitted he’s been trying to break my spirit since I was three years old a couple months ago on my birthday… that’s a confession 37-years in the making - I called him on it, and he confessed three times in such a bold-faced, no shame, “of course I did,” kind of way that my mind is still reeling from it, and he’s the one who actually says he loves me.

I don’t have any friends left here now, and I am not sure I ever did honestly. No one has ever stood by me, they either turn their backs and walk away or stick around because my suffering is an opportunity for them in some way. I set some new boundaries for how I expected to be treated, and the few remaining stragglers either went running or I swept them out my door for my own protection. Now, here I am, safe with my cat… and alone. The only people here who are nice to me are my therapist and counselor, my little nieces, my neighbors in passing, and random strangers I meet for a few moments. My parents are only nice long enough for me to let my guard down before the next onslaught.

If it weren’t for my nieces, I wouldn’t really mind being left alone for Christmas, even with the anniversary of my birth-mom’s passing coming up in two days and my grandma’s three weeks after that. My adoptive mom compared my birth-mom’s death to my sister putting her cat down when he was old, and they have been trying to poison my mind against my grandma, so being away from them right now is probably a mercy.

Leaving my hometown helped me so much… getting away from the religious fundamentalists that had such a hold on my life as a teenager, from the memories of the skinheads who used to make me afraid to go to school… this city has some hard memories for me too and for the longest time I couldn’t even walk through my own apartment without always looking over my shoulder and checking every shadow and jumping at every sound, but that has finally eased up and I rarely feel that here any longer thankfully.

I like your idea about contacting a charity and helping out. That might make me feel a bit better about the charities I have to call today to try to keep my electricity from getting cut off so I can have any hope of working again… if I have a way to give back in mind, maybe I will find the strength to pick up the phone instead of sitting here too scared to help myself.

This is really a beautiful way to look at it, yeah. I try to meet myself with compassion, to understand that I deserve compassion is the hard part - I guess I have been so conditioned to blame myself for everything, to take it all as evidence of my unworthiness… but that’s my parents talking, and in my heart, I know you are right. Meditation and contemplation are huge parts of my life, the struggle is to prevent the trauma thoughts from hijacking the process. I can look up at the clock to find I have been re-living trauma for two hours with no recognition of the time passing. I try to focus instead on the beauty in the world and the many reasons I have to be grateful and I think adding a larger dose of compassion for myself is just what the doctor ordered.

THIS is truly inspirational. I am going to write it down and stick the piece of paper somewhere I can see or find it often so I will remember to find a kinder way to relate to myself… the never-ending loop of past trauma and feared future traumas playing through my mind is so hard to interrupt, but to do so with compassion, love and insight seems much more helpful than fighting it and fighting against myself!

Thanks so much for staying up late to answer me. I really didn’t expect to see your answer here when I woke up. I went to bed super early because the depression was too much, so I was up again at 2:30 (I’m on the west coast of the US). Seeing your words of encouragement and hope here first thing when I turned on my computer really means a lot to me. I cannot tell you how much. If you want to send your email by PM, that would be really great. Thank you.

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I have just PM’d you with my email address :blush:

God alone knows familial rejection, especially maternal rejection (from your adopted mother I hasten to add) is one of the most damaging formative experiences available to a child. It is “the father of the man, the mother of the woman” to paraphrase a Victoria poet whose name escapes me.

My own experience of maternal rejection occurred at around nine years of age. Ooof, as we say.

From then in life became impossible. Violent alcoholism, born again insanity and untreated (apart from exorcisms) schizophrenia became the stuff of daily life. As well as my own exorcisms. The resultant mess entirely predictable.

You seem to have come to your realisation that family are not necessarily your friends relatively early, which is a good thing. For too long I craved understanding and a modicum of respect from my there, but not there, parents. It was like going into a hardware shop and asking for a sandwich. An entirely pointless waste of time. So realising that and acting accordingly saved me a lot of wasted effort and time. The pull to be understood and respected is so strong, but I have found I’m happier without it. Save it for those who are capable of offering you those things.

Leaving hometowns that act as the backdrop to CPTSD and (for myself) drug addiction is a fantastic step forward.

Volunteering for charitable stuff is wonderful. You can pick and choose what you want to do (within reason) and the fulfilment from helping others is deeply rewarding. It helps take attention away from the traumaloop and rest it in compassionate action instead. Never a mistake!

I may never be free of that voice of CPTSD. And that’s alright. If I told myself “I will only be happy when my brain, irreparably changed by compounded trauma, magically gets better” then I would never be happy. Managing it through recognising traumabrain thoughts as different from my own (even though it uses ‘I’ it is not me) thoughts and disbelieving them; and developing a kind compassionate response to the emotional and psychological pain has given me enough leeway, enough space to plant a few flowers.

There is a YouTube video called “The Misguided Monk” which is well worth watching. His meditation is disturbed by the arrival of a small, yapping dog. They go through an unfortunate incident due to the monks resistance to the furry interloper. But the dog is rescued by the monk and nursed back to health. Afterwards the dogs antics are incorporated into the Monks practice.

And that is what I needed to do.

My path was always right there in front of me.

All that loss, sorrow and pain. All those lightning bolts of trauma zapping me out of nowhere. All of it became my meditation. I used it, not to become miserable, but to become compassionate. To see them not as distractions but the focus of shining the light of love and compassion upon them. Immediately one steps from being at war with one’s mind, or rather the traumabrain into being a healer. One steps from repression and rejection and judgement and fear into a space of kindness and understanding.

Of course, it’s not a one shot deal!

But it is so worth practicing.

If anyone was to ask me about my spiritual path (if one chooses to see it in such terms) then I would have to say “CPTSD” Because it has asked me the right question. “How do you want to relate to me?”

So all the stuff that normals run away from, I find myself facing on a daily basis, transforming it through compassion. I have no choice. The painful stuff is my daily experience and, like that Monk I have found my peace not in rejecting it, but by working with it in a spirit of kindness and gentleness.

I am genuinely sorry to hear of all you have been through. I can empathise. I do empathise. But I see so much to admire. In spite of the daily struggle and, often, avalanches you have carved out a notch from your talent and dedication. Absolutely amazing work, Sasha. I know what it takes and I am, honestly, deeply impressed. What you have achieved and continue to achieve leaves me in slack-jawed wonderment.

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Whoa, that is such a clear way to express it, and so true for me too. I have been working through radical acceptance of the fact that my parents are simply incapable of ever giving me what I need and that it is incredibly unlikely that will ever, ever change. How on earth do I stop needing it, needing that respect and affection, needing to be valued? My rational mind gets it, knows better, but good lord, that is a tall order! I know I cannot keep looking for it from my family - nieces excepted, of course, because they adore their Auntie Lisa (they don’t know about my birth name yet, only being 5).

I sent you an email so you’ll have my address, and I added a few thoughts I was having about some of your comments.

I am so grateful that I opened your thread and found my courage to reply to you. Thank you for being so open and compassionate. I am moved beyond words. I never expected to find someone here with so much in common with me and my experiences. What a wonderful surprise!

Ok, I was only going to write a little here since we have emails now, but I am just so grateful for the time you have taken and the compassion and kindness you have shown me.

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I’m a huge fan of Jane McGonigal - would love to find time to blend more of her ideas into what we do…:slight_smile:

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WOWWWW~! I watched the talk again yesterday because it is so freaking awesome, and while I did the thought kept coming to me that SSi brings a lot of those benefits and resiliencies! Certainly, it is easy to argue for the mental resiliency as we learn, emotional resiliency as we overcome the challenges of learning a language, and social resiliency with the forum! Pretty cool! Those who use SSi while exercising get their physical resiliency too! HA! That’s so awesome. :smiley:

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Definitely what we’re aiming for - and lovely to see it described like that in SuperBetter terms… :slight_smile:

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I can’t describe how happy it makes me to find you are Jane McGonnigal and SuperBetter fans! Her ideas and the SuperBetter game have done so much to help me, and it is great to have two important areas of my life overlap like this! This is such a great community and with such a positive vibe, I am not at all surprised to have this in common though, really. :smiley: I just haven’t met many (any?) people who knew about SuperBetter before I told them haha! So cool. :superhero::man_superhero:

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Have you read ‘Reality is Broken’? It’s the underlying theory we’re dying to follow for the whole gamification thing… :slight_smile:

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No, I haven’t read it, but it sounds awesome! I will try to find it and check it out. Thanks! :blush: